Craziest voicemail ever…

Posted by liquilife on 02/13 at 09:26 AM

This voicemail is going down as the funniest voicemail ever in the history of the telephone. Just... listen. Transcript is below.

Hey Mark, ‘scuse me; I’m on my way to 3768. Kind’a got hung up – it’s rainin’ out here – I’m on my way into Dallas, uh, Jerry’s probably gonna be callin’ you to find out, uh, where I’m at if he can’t get ahold of me I’m sure so, uh, thought … Whoa! Whoa! … Man, I just had a wreck right in front of me. This guy ran a red light and hit, uh, (chuckle) hit four old ladies in a .. in an Impala… just kind of clipped ‘em; it turned ‘em around right in front of me. Man, that was close. Oh now this guy is getting out of his car; he got a… he’s got a white shirt on with a tie and a cigarette hangin’ out of his mouth. He’s throwin’ his hands up in the air like he … like … like it was their fault. Uh huh, oh no … he’s goin’ over to their window … she’s rollin down the window … (pause) … Oh man! She..… I think she sprayed him with pe.. pepper spray, man; he’s on his ha… he’s on his face … and he’s on his knee … she’s gettin’ out…. She’s beatin’ him with an umbrella ..ha ha… The other woman is gettin’ out too (laughter)… Aahh, this one woman with a little black purse, she’s tomahawkin’ him, man. She looks, she looks like a sun belt 20… 20 horsepower jack hammer – badam, badam, badam; she…. We got another woman that, that’s … (laughter) … she’s hittin’ him with … like she’s got a cattle prod, man.. she’s got a ... she’s got an umbrella, she’s stickin’ it in his side. Oh no, there’s another one, it’s a little woman – looks like mother goose … (laughter) .. she’s got … aah, she banged him, she beaned him; she’s got this huge big bag … (laughter) … she’s got … aahh she beaned him; she’s beaned him. She’s got this huge big bag; it’s huge, it’s about the size of her; she’s about four foot nothin’ … she hit him over the head; everything went all over the place; her bible fell … god! she just hit him in the head with the bible … (laughter) … She picked this bible up and she lifted it way over her head … it wa… it was a hard backed NVI version …(laughter) … Aahh, they’re still beatin’ the hell out of this guy. Ah she picked this bible up and raised it up above her head and just beaned the guy. This guy’s not getting’ up. Aah, they’re still, oh god they’re still hittin’ him. The woman with the little black purse is still all beatin’ him …(laughter) … ok, he’s up on the ca…. (laughter)… The little old woman just beaned him again with that big bag; he, he, he’s runnin’ to his car … he’s outta here … (laughter)… Aaaoh, the little bitty mother goose woman… she…she’s talkin’ to him as he’s drivin’ off … (laughter)… Ah, I wish you woulda been here, man, oh, oh, this is too good. …(laughter)… I… I… I gotta go.

Posted by liquilife on 02/13 at 09:26 AM | 0 comments | Permalink
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Bag of delicious chocolate footballs

Posted by liquilife on 12/12 at 02:08 AM

I recently purchased a new Samsung L200 camera. This is my first camera that takes decent shots. While I understand I could have a much better camera, this is a start to feed my interest in photography. So, I started what every photographer does at some point, started a picture-a-day-for-a-year campaign. Whether or not I go the entire year is not the point, but rather this gives me an opportunity to experiment on a daily basis, get some critical feedback and see what works and doesn’t work. Ok, with all that said…

Yesterday i took a photo of chocolate footballs in a netted sack. Using the Nik’s Color Efex plugin for Adobe Lightroom I was able to tweak the picture to create, what I believe, my best shot at this point. 

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Posted by liquilife on 12/12 at 02:08 AM | 0 comments | Permalink
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City Bus Simulator 2010 with Video

Posted by liquilife on 11/20 at 05:18 PM

Meet Carlos. Carlos is a bus driver for the city of New York. He happily drives his bus through the busy streets of Times Square and the rest of New York City. Carlos get’s up at 5am, showers, eat’s a nice breakfast and then dons his work uniform and goes to work. Throughout the day Carlos endures much excitement. He stops the bus and let’s passengers in. He evaluates each passenger as they pay either with the metro card or with change. He operates the wheelchair lift for those who are not able to walk. Carlos even get’s to make executive decisions as to when the appropriate time would be to turn on the city bus windshield wipers.

Think you could live in Carlos’ shoes for a day? I doubt it. You do however have a chance to prove me wrong. I introduce to you: City Bus Simulator 2010, a video game for the PC. Get ready to roll the streets of NYC with the fleet of the NYC Metro. Below is the video of this amazing game sure to keep you stimulated for hours on end.

Posted by liquilife on 11/20 at 05:18 PM | 0 comments | Permalink
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The wierd things that happen at work

Posted by liquilife on 11/07 at 04:44 AM

As none of you know, I work in TriBeCa in the heart of New York City. TriBeCa as in “Triangle Below Canal”. I am lucky enough to sit right by a large window right off the 2nd floor facing Church St. Some amazing things happen on this street. The other day the AT&T building across the street started shooting huge amounts of steam from a vent around the 2nd floor level. This steam hit the sidewalk and spread out over quite a distance. I was completely fascinated with this event, so much so it was nearly impossible to focus on work. I knew I needed to catch a video of this epic wonder. What the hell is this building doing?

Someone else must have been intrigued as well, soon afterwards our street was completely swarmed with Firetrucks, police cars and paramedics.

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Eventually the firemen realize there is no real emergency and they exit the street one by one. All is normal again on Church St. So, here I am back at work ready to focus and enjoy a productive afternoon. The gods of Church St. were not done yet for the day. No sir! I look down my window to the sidealk right below me to notice some fool is busy getting arrested by a group of police officers and his van being searched through. The best part of this though was watching the plain clothed police man drinking a coke and chilling out while his team labored to handcuff the criminal and search his van.

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All in a days work.

Posted by liquilife on 11/07 at 04:44 AM | 0 comments | Permalink
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The Human Jumbotron

Posted by liquilife on 10/18 at 06:50 AM

Japan never ceases to amaze me. Everything we do, they seem to do better. We create the worlds largest jumbotron in Dallas, Japan creates the most amazing human jumbotron ever. You know what Japan? I’m sick of you showing off your crazy coordination skills. How do you get off on recreating special effects with precision and timing from a group of your citizens that seems impossible to the human judgement? I couldn’t let this one slide. I had to retaliate, for the better of the rest of the world except Japan. Enjoy this video brought to you by Japan and my savage retaliation.

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Posted by liquilife on 10/18 at 06:50 AM | 0 comments | Permalink
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Microsoft marketing getting high with LOL cats. Confirmed.

Posted by liquilife on 10/17 at 09:20 AM

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Are you a cool kid who wants to impress your friends and family with your mad skillz? Check out the Kid’s Corner for lots of fun, easy to understand lessons on programming! Also, learn about using visual studio express to create awesome code. Yes kid’s, you will surely want to impress your other friends with your mad skillz with creating awesome code. And since you appear to be interested in obtaining mad skillz, why not watch our video on “What’s the Internet?”, a film published by Microsoft and LOL Cats LLC.

Microsoft has just launched the Kid’s Corner, a learning hub for kid’s who may be interested in programming. However, as usual, Microsoft seems to have slightly missed the mark. In their attempt to reach out to kid’s in a language the young crumb snatchers can understand, they have dumbed things down a bit too much. I understand that Microsoft has pinned themselves in a hole and has no shot at hip advertising, but c’mon. It seems they are just tossing in the towel now.

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Posted by liquilife on 10/17 at 09:20 AM | 0 comments | Permalink
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Quit Bacon!

Posted by liquilife on 10/14 at 05:30 PM

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I know. The internetz will have my ass for this I’m sure. The Gods of the super information highway are surely scheming and plotting on the best way to totally wreck my modem, router and wireless network cards. Work with me here though. America has been overcome with an infatuation for bacon recently. I’m sure you have noticed. It’s quite hard to miss. Such delicacies such as Meatloaf has been transformed into Meatloaf smothered in bacon. Home baked cookies now contain variations to include a little strip of bacon on the top. Turkeys are now wrapped entirely in bacon in preparation for roast for a Thanksgiving treat. But just how healthy is this? Do I even need to ask this? NO! We know bacon is unhealthy for us.

Recent studies have found that Nitrates contain some type of magical scientific powers to repair tissue in your heart after a heart attack. Bacon is very high in nitrates, and because of this some say that bacon can actually be part of your healthy diet. Umm, think about this for a minute. Should I eat bacon to the point of a heart attack, just to eat bacon even more to repair the tissue in my heart damaged from a heart attack… because of bacon?  Does anyone else see the flaw in this?

Wake up people. Bacon is fat. It tastes good because fat tastes good. If you are going to eat bacon, eat it in moderation. Sunday brunch with 2 strips of bacon should be sufficient. We don’t need 3 slices of bacon for every slice of turkey. The worst thing you can do is go out drinking Stella, stop by the diner and pick up some bacon to go and then devour that shit moments before you go to sleep. Really? Who does that?

I do. And I’m not proud of it. I quit bacon. I love my life too much.

Posted by liquilife on 10/14 at 05:30 PM | 0 comments | Permalink
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Liquilife.com lives on!

Posted by liquilife on 10/11 at 06:40 AM

I made my first ever blog post on July 2006. This came right on the heels of registering the domain which had been previously taken by a now defunct company. It’s been a 3 year internal war on exactly what I wanted this to be. I started off with a blog and soon added galleries, wallpapers, videos and other crazy experiments. This was all well and good but I did not have the time to upkeep all these sections. I quickly found out it’s no easy feat uploading my own videos and managing descriptions and so forth. It takes time! I found out managing a large collection of wallpapers took a lot of time as well. Sure, my wallpapers have gotten a LOT of visits but if you are going to manage a lot of wallpapers you need to, you know, add new ones over time. Which I did not have time to do. I knew that liquilife.com had to be simplified. Through trial and error I have made mistakes in the direction of the site, causing me to shy away from making updates.

Enter Liquilife.com 4.0! What you see now is a culmination of work and planning over the past 6 months. Well, actually it only took 1 week to re-design, but it has been 6 months of working out in my brain just what I wanted to do with the site. As you can see from the layout I’ve depreciated the galleries, videos, elsewhere and wallpapers. I’ve put the focus on my writing. Don’t worry, all my old legacy sections are still available under “Other”, however I’ve taken no time to ensure they look good in the new design.

All previous comments have been deleted due to a swarm of spam comments that happened behind my back. To combat spam I’ve employed the Askimet spam filtering service along with the standard captcha. I hope to attract a legitimate set of commenters. I hope to do this by means of providing engaging and thoughtful writing, provoking feedback. This is my new goal. A simple one. In this spirit, here is a list of my personal favorite blog posts from the past.

Most funny video posted:
To Catch a Predator Spoof
and a runner up…
Cop steals confiscated pot, calls 911 fearing he is dead… sigh
Most interesting post:
Saddam Hussein execution and the media
Most popular blog post according to google analytics:
Paris Hilton Exposed - Videos
Most touching blog post:
RIP to a loved one (Broken image, sorry)

Posted by liquilife on 10/11 at 06:40 AM | 2 comments | Permalink
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You do not fuck with Turtles… you just do not

Posted by liquilife on 08/08 at 06:51 AM

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I was thinking this morning about how awesome and bad ass turtles can be. This led to a bit of research in my laboratory on the super information highway. After some study, here are my results. Enjoy.

SEE THE TURTLE RESULTS

Posted by liquilife on 08/08 at 06:51 AM | 4 comments | Permalink
Tagged under: funny, pictures, turtles

Employment and a Mac laptop

Posted by liquilife on 04/23 at 02:39 AM

Well, as spring has arrived with warmer weather, some good things have finally happened in my life. I was recently hired on full time as a web developer for Skaggs Design. This comes after a winter of truly fearing for my ability to pay rent on a monthly basis. Looking back, all I can do is shake my head and wonder how I made it through this winter. I can now live life normally once again and wake up every morning knowing I have somewhere to contribute my talents to. I wish I could say I am 100% happy though. The truth is, with our current recession, I have so many friends who are currently out of work. The most notable is my sister. After receiving employee of the year and working for her company for many years, she was recently unexpectedly laid off. How do you console someone who has gone through this? I really do not know.

To those who are unemployed, here is a few humble tips and tricks. No, I’m not going to tell you to “network”. Rather, think about it from this angle: Employers are literally fearful at the moment of putting their jobs in the papers and online job listings. Why? Because they have to deal with so many replies. Even worse, most of the applicants who respond are very much not qualified for the work they are applying for. General laborers to company executives are all applying for the same work out of desperation.  As an employer, this makes it incredibly difficult to sort through a stack of resumes to find that one applicant who is a match for the job. So, how can you exploit this in your favor? It’s quite easy. Get your resume in front of large groups of Employers. The most easiest and effective way is to post your resume at Craigslist. An unusually high number of employers are looking for qualified job candidates using this method to avoid dealing with the masses.

When posting your resume, here are a few things to remember. Keep the title clear and concise. If you are a chef, indicate that in your title. “Professional Chef looking for full time employment”. I’m sure you get the idea. Another is to format your resume using some basic HTML. This can be easily achieved nowadays. Go to http://www.fckeditor.net/demo and use their online editor to format the resume/text you will be posting on Craigslist. Once you are happy with the formatting find and click the button “Source”. You’ll see a bunch of HTML mumbo jumbo along with your text. Just copy and paste this into your Craigslist posting. Viola! You have an HTML formatted posting.

Post your resume two or three times a week on Craigslist. I found the best time to be right about 11:30. Employers tend to take a break from what they are doing shortly before lunch and start working on a less interactive project, such as randomly browsing Craigslist.

Well, this rant went an entirely different direction then I expected. So much for talking about the new Mac Book I am getting next week…

Posted by liquilife on 04/23 at 02:39 AM | 0 comments | Permalink
Tagged under: resume, employment, craigslist